Lil Wayne- Rebirth Album Review

Man I got too much shit on my hands,

to have to deal with all of you

       No.

      Fuck no.

       I'm not doing any introduction, history, or background for this album which I had been doing for the past entries. Well, that is, before I listened to this thing if you can even call it an album. This thing doesn't deserve any special treatment because it this is album does not give a shit about the audience, why should I give it any form of courtesy or any sort of minimal, little, insignificant, minute sense of respect. What this thing truly deserves is to be cast down amongst the the flaming pits of hell and to rot there in obscurity, with only the souls of the damned to keep it company.

Never before I have I ever felt my intelligence so insulted by a piece of media. Christ, the creatorsof Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure had more respect for their audience than Lil Wayne has, if this is the material that has made him a massive hit in the past several years.

      I would like to formally apologize to the Clash for giving the album, Cut the Crap, an "F+" . Oh, how naive I was to think that Cut the Crap deserved an "F+" when I know this thing exists! An "F" rating implies that the album has zero effort, skill, love, or even ideas put into it. If Cut the Crap has zero effort, skill, love, or even of coherence,  that implies that Rebirth has a NEGATIVE amount of effort, skill, love or even ideas put it in. This thing is a black hole of negative energy that has collapsed on itself, and now warps all of reality surrounding it, as well as sucking in and destroying everything and anything good in this world.

Okay, I should calm down now…

*breathes in*

*breathes out*

Now, mixing rock music with rap is ,of course, not at all a new concept and has worked well in the past for artists like Rage Against the Machine, Body Count, Beastie Boys, Public Enemy w Anthrax, and Faith no More. These artists show a deep appreciation and understanding for both rock and rap to create a great synthesis of the two genres. if you don't you wind up with your Kid Rocks and Limp Bizkits.

This thing does not have anything going for it. It does not have the political awareness and musical capabilities of Rage Against the Machine, the the grittiness of Body Count, the fun factor of the Beastie Boys, the combination of lyrical and musical intensity of the Public Enemy and Anthrax collaboration , nor the ambition of Faith No More. It doesn't bridge the rock and rap gap and bring people together. It does break any boundaries or anything creative or ambitious. It does nothing for the listening audience. It accomplishes nothing. 

Not to say that an album in order for it to be good it has to break down boundaries, but it has to be at least trying to accomplish something as meaningless entertainment, like the musical equivalent of a popcorn-flick.

Can you headbang to this album?

No.

Can you dance to this album? 

No. 

Can you play this album in the background while you do something productive with your life?

You technically can, but question is, would you want to listen to this album if you're actually doing something productive with your life?

Does it actually succeed as an album in the sense that it cohesive set of rock, rap, and rock-rap songs?

No

Does it succeed as a rap-rock album?

No.

Does it succeed as a rap album?

Fuck No.

Does it succeed as a rock album?

it fails so hard it can no longer be observed and understood by your average Joe and Jane Schmo, but rather it is contemplated as a theory in the most prestigious of universities to understand what in the fuck is this thing?

Now, before I listened into this thing I want to state that I have never listened to a full album by Wayne, so my judgement on him is only based on this album. I have heard his singles on pop radio years ago, and I don't recall too many specifics other than they were annoyingly catchy. So I tried my best to not have any bias toward Wayne or his crowd for this review.

Now enough of me ranting and raving about this thing in general, let us focus in on the actual contents of this thing.

For this album, I will be breaking a personal rule by reviewing this album, track by track.

Oh yes, we're going through this fucker TRACK BY TRACK! You can't just sum up this thing with all of its nonsense and stupidity without close examination of all of the stupidity contained in each of these three minute segments

The opener, "American Star" sets the tone for this entire ordeal. 

It starts off with Wayne's backing band warming off. No, Weezy is not actually playing guitar on this album. I can tell how surprised you, the reader, are that Wayne is not actually playing guitar on this album. 

So absolutely, positively, shocked.

 Instead he has hired studio musicians and Travis Barker of Blink-182 fame to do the rocking our for him. 

Oh joy, two artists whose popularity have completely perplexed me are coming together at last!

As you can imagine, with a studio assembled band, the music, is just, bland. There's no drive, energy, soul, or balls to it. The guitar seems to come and go as a non-entity, and when it does come it's the blandest of the bland that only a studio musician can do. Then when it goes it disappears without the listener noticing it, as if it were an auditory illusion that was not actually there in the first place

So, the band doesn't do anything interesting, does Wayne do better?

He doesn't attempt to rap here, and he sort of goes the Original Wrapper route of combining rap, spoken word, and singing. Oh, and he uses autotune…

May I ask why?

Why, in the name of God and all that is holy from the highest heavens to the bottomless pits of hell, would you, Dwayne Michael Carter, Jr, EVER use autotune on a ROCK ALBUM!?

For Christ sakes, why would you ever use autotune on a rock album? Rock music is one of the few genres where you do not have to sound 100% amazing, yet Wayne decides to use autotune! He sounds  absolutely awful! It makes him sound like he's putting less of an effort than he already is! 

Now autotune can be used effectively, but when it's used an aid not a god damn crutch!

Unsurprisingly the lyrics are horrendous. It cannot be understated how insulting these lyrics are:

"listening to my own voice in my black rolls royce"

Move along folks, this isn't a sign of an Ice Station Zebra-esque scenario, where Lil Wayne will, sometime in the future, isolate and lock himself inside of his penthouse while  listening to A Milli on repeat for days on end.

"Born and raised in the USA/where the government is watching what you do and say"

It should be noted that Wayne also chuckled after that line, as if he unloaded an amazingly hilarious joke or revealed some deep and insightful comment on the human condition.

"I'm a dope boy with a guitar"

Well, you do have a guitar, but you have clearly demonstrated that you do not know how to use it.

"My ancestors where slaves in the USA/But today it's alright

I'm just going to leave that there, because, I hope to God, this line was written tongue in cheek, because Jesus Christ, I hope this man is not THAT out of touch with reality

Weezy, in a moment of complete surreality, shouts "BRIDGE!" right before the bridge comes.

Why? Why would you do that? Did he think it was cool when Timbaland did it in Justin Timberlake's "Sexyback"? Sure it was cool in that song, mostly because it was backed with that tight, pop beat and Timberlake's charisma, so when Wayne says it here he sounds like a total putz!

There's also Shannell (who?), who sings the chorus and overpowers Wayne, the guitars, drums, everything! It's as if her voice is a nuclear weapon detonating and leveling all of the buildings in one massive shockwave. Then again, even the Carpenters could over power this band.

 She's a good enough singer, but I'm not sure if it's because the only competition she has on this album is  Wayne's, sigh, autotuned vocals.

After an incredibly lame solo from a bored studio musician, the song just sort of dies, well that implies that this track had any life in it, but you understand what I mean.

The next song, "Prom Queen", the lead single to this album, has some positives to it: It is more coherent than "American Star", there is a coherent riff played on a guitar, the verses are distinguishable from the chorus, and it has a modicum of catchiness.

As for the negatives…

Next we have "Prom Queen" which has a main riff that would not look out of place on a Creed album. Wayne cannot sing to save his god damn life on this song, and sounds more like he's on an alcohol binge rather than this bizarre song, where Weezy details how this girl from high school (the titular Prom Queen), turn him down, fooled around with the other guys who didn't care for her, while he honestly did (judging from rest of the lyrics from this album this is hi-larious). Now fast forward, she's, literally, at his front door needing help and support. Weezy is all his kindness decides to gloat about how he made it, because she didn't have the foresight to imagine that the United States was so gracious to grant Lil Wayne the third most entries (126!) on the Billboard Hot 100 singles charts.

So basically this song is similar to Elvis Costello's "Alison" except way more douchier. 

It is also revealed that Wayne also has a Madonna/whore complex, "She's popular with all the guys/so innocent in my eyes". At least the other tracks have something interesting with the lyrics, granted they're fucking stupid, but at least the lyrics are stupidly entertaining. These lyrics are just boring, bland, radio rock nonsense that would fit on any Nickelback song, except they're made even worse with Wayne's autotuned vocals.

"Ground Zero" track is Lil Wayne's foray into 90s Alternative Rock except completely falling flat on his ass. Well, this entire album could be described as Lil Wayne falling flat on his ass, but especially on this track. 

I swear to God that Wayne's back up band ripped off the instrumentatio from someone, but I cannot place where. Lil Wayne sounds at his (second) worst on this track. It seems like he is attempting some sort of whispery, 90s industrial rock vocals, while at the same time rapping and drowning himself in autotune, it's absolutely fucking horrible

This song, lyrics wise, is a hastily mashed together description of two scenarios. First is Wayne having sex with a girl in which he uses a mountain as a metaphor for his dick. I am not, and I could not make this shit up:

"a nice little mirror and a little white girl/way at the top of the mountain, bouncing"

Then out of nowhere, Weezy starts singing verses that conjure up 9/11 imagery.

"flame, fashion, planes crashing/ground zero/let's jump, jump out a window, window/let's jump off a building baby"

What the fuuuuuuuck!?

Why would you do that?

For God's sake man!

I swear "Da Da Da" is Wayne's attempt at creating some sort of DaDa-core except one step beyond by adding more Da.

The track starts tart off with this little guitar jamming, then all of a sudden DRUM N BASS MUSIC

Why?

It is so freaking weird! It's not as weird as when My Bloody Valentine turned into a freakish drum n bass shoegaze hybrid for the last three songs of their self-titled album, but it's still really weird.

There is this weird background breathing that I cannot decipher. I don't know if it is Weezy jerking off into the microphone or somebody completing the Tour de France, but it is slightly distracting. 

It also contains the lyrics: "I know you want me/ give me that funky monkey", a phrase that should only end with someone being ostracized from humanity for eternity. 

Next, we have the, oh God why, the ballad of the album. Yes, folks we have Lil Wayne attempting a rock ballad. 

I am not joshing or attempting to play with your emotions, dear readers.

Lil Wayne attempting to emote!

This is so bad it becomes absolutely MAGICAL

Just listen to this:

You want pure, raw emotion check this shit out? 

Joy Division's "Disorder"? Johnny Cash covering NIN's "Hurt"? Elliot Smith's Discography?

Rubbish!

No, let's hear Weezy whine about how hard it is being rich! All while the autotune tries to save his voice, but ends up sounding like he's being waterboarded in the chorus

God please fuck this album to hell.

"Get a Life" is Weezy directly mocking his listeners. In case the previous six tracks weren't insulting enough, he has to directly say "FUCK YOU/GET A LIFE", all while this horrendous Maroon 5 backing track plays behind him. Wayne sounds horrendous and annoying, and for a few seconds he doesn't use autotune, but, like an addict, he relapses to cover his awful vocals. I commend Wayne a little bit for trying to not to use autotune, but dear God man, you could not finish one song without it?

The next so-

Wait did my mp3 files get mixed up? Why is Giorgio Moroder pl-

oh never mind, Weezy has decided to sample "She's on Fire" from the Scarface soundtrack, a song  composed by the legendary Giorgio Moroder. 

Great, just great. You have to shit on three genres instead of two, huh, Wayne?

"On Fire" is not a rock song at all. It sounds exactly like one of Lil Wayne's regular Rap and Hip-hop singles, but it has a teeny-tiny guitar that occasionally pops in and out of the song, as if it were an aquatic mammal catching air and receding into the sea. I guess that's what mainstream rock music is nowadays. After all my local Alternative Rock music has Lorde on frequent rotation, so what do I know!?

The one saving grace of this song is the faint, classic "She's on Fire" melody buried in the. Other than Wayne using a matchstick as a metaphor for his penis and a SECOND analogy to the 9/11 terrorist attacks, this song is completely trashable.

"Drop the World" is also another straight forward pop song, and unlike "On Fire" there is not an electric guitar in sight on this track.

It actually does not sound bad at first It does not masquerade as some "heavy-as-fuq" rawk song, it knows that it is a pop song with the instrumentation and structure and it works well. For once the production does not sound like complete and total ass, and Wayne on this track does not completely annoying and going overboard with the autotune. For once the lyrics are actually okay and not completely bonkers

"I got ice in my veins, blood in my eyes/Hate in my heart, love in my mind/I seen nights full of pain, days are the same/You keep the sunshine, save me the rain"

Tha-that's actually not bad at all. So let's see where Wayne takes us with th-

"But soon for a nigga it be on, mu'fucka'/Cause all the bullshit, it made me strong, 

mu'fucka, so-

I PICK THE WORLD UP AND I'MMA DROP IT ON YOUR

 FUCKIN' HEAD!'

That's the chorus for this song…

I, I have no words for this. You actually tricked me into thinking that there might be a decent song on this album. Not a particular good or amazing song, but a passable song that is in someway shape or form listenable, and this album absolutely fails in that regard.

The song becomes even more laughable as Wayne tries, not only to act tough with those lyrics as the chorus, but there is also this adorable, saccharine, synthesizer beeping in the background. It's akin to someone editing the glockenspiel from Springsteen's "Born to Run" into Black Flag's '"Damaged I".

Good, fucking God, I could be listening to anything right now. Good albums from the previous year.  I could be listening to to Death Grips the Powers that B, it is not the groups best work, but it is quality, intense, heavy hitting, and challenging hip-hop that obviously had a ton, a TON of effort put into it. It above all else, came from a place of creativity that might inspire young artists to push the boundaries and explore the sonic landscape of music and not of laziness and profit unlike this fucking album.

Eminem provides a guest verse, but he starts off the song by singing which conjures up horrifying images of "Mockingbird", but for our sake he returns to his usual rapping self. No not, the Marshall Mathers LP, Em, this is, ugh, Recovery, Em. So you have brilliant lines like "the world is my easter egg, prepare to die" and "I'll split your cabbage and lettuce and olives". Thus, with a competent flow and solid delivery, Eminem's verse becomes the highlight of the album by far. Yay, this song still manages to be horrendous, but you get a gold star for at least, for a few brief moments, become slightly listenable. 

Fuck this.

At this point I was strapping myself in for a full out Pop assault on my senses from Lil Wayne, as if I were a junkie and this album was slowly strengthening in pop doses to lead me into liking Wayne's pop work. Instead we dive headfirst into some serious ROCK N ROLL in the song "Runnin'"

Well, it's just like "American Star" except it's way more sluggish and a complete and total snooze fest. There's also Shannell who sings the bridge. She sings her heart of this track, but she can't bring these awful lyrics to life 

*sigh* 

A waist of an obviously very talented woman's time. Has she done anything else

*looks up her wikipedia article*

She has released an album with a few guest appearance on other Young Money artists singes.

*sigh*

Whatever,

There's off about the intro to "One Way Trip", but I can not put my finger as to why.

Oh, and back to the pop! 

There's this guitar in the background, I guess that makes it rock. If that's so, I guess it makes Jay Z's "Death of Autotune" just like Yngwie Malmsteen.

It also has Kevin Rudolf to do the guest chorus. You know the guy who sang "Let it Rock"? That one song that was popular from a couple years ago? Yeah, me neither.

This song is worthless other than the line "I eat breakfast like a mothafucka."

as well as the bizarre lyric of "TRAVIS BARKER IS MY DRUMMER MOTHAFUCKA"

who the fuck thought that line was good, and Wayne doesn't just say it one as it's part of the damn pre-chorus!

Christ, this album is a nightmare I can not wake up from.

Next up is "Knockout". This track is  Lil Wayne's foray into Pop Punk

Let me repeat that, for the folks at home who cannot believe what they have read

This is Lil Wayne's foray into Pop Punk

This song is your typical, run-of-the-mill, Blink-182 nonsense that most people have suddenly hailed as "good punk", because nostalgia, yo!

Wayne sounds especially horrible on this track. It sounds like someone is either poking him with a pin while he is dehydrated or is drowning him in autotune to hide the apparent dehydration. It's bad in the verses, but in the chorus it sounds like he turned into the Tasmanian Devil, seriously what is this thing?

I could be listening to Against Me's Transgender Dysmorphia Blues, an actually good pop punk album that came out this year. Sure it's not as good as the band's old stuff, but it's something of substance with clear heart , soul, and effort put into the music. Lyrics that explores and tries understand this messed up world that we live in from a trans woman's perspective. If you read the comments on the youtube page of the title track it is filled with young LGBT people who are inspired by this song, the band, and the bravery of the lead singer to come out as transgender, all while having fun listening to this catchy, fun punk tune that will be stuck in your head for days. Instead of listening to that, I am here listening to this ignorable, boring, and uninspiring dribble of an album that adds nothing, absolutely fucking nothing and benefits nobody except the receivers of royalty checks from this release.

Nicki Minaj also provides a guest verse on this song. For her first verse she is soothing, boring, and is the highlight of the song. Those are usually not words that I associate with Nicki Minaj, but then again I am in the universe where this album has a 4.6 on Pitchfork, while Jay-Z's the Blueprint and  Frances the Mute by the Mars Volta are rated a 4.5 and  2.0 respectively, so what do I know?!

"The Price is Wrong" starts off with an attempt at a Heavy metal riff, I guess. Dear God, this laughable "Rock production" makes "Hold the Line" sound like "Hell Awaits". 

This song continues this bizarre obsession Wayne has with his High school flame that hooked up with someone not him. He then describes how she used to rub it in his face, while he was "the baddest motherfucker in the lunchroom" (actual line from the song people). So, flash forward to the present, Wayne has to rub his success in her face as if all of his success was just to spite her. 

It really is quite pathetic.

There is also this ANNOYING as hell singing by Wayne on the chorus. Why are you doing that? God, why didn't ANYBODY have the guts to say "no" to this guy, that maybe WOO-ooo-OO is not the best hook to a rock song!

I would've ended this review as this is the final track on the original release, but noooooooooooo

We have BONUS TRACKS

DID PEOPLE REALLY NEED AN EXTRA 16 MINUTES OF LIL WAYNE'S ROCK DEBUT?!

IS THAT WHAT THE AMERICAN PEOPLE WANTED IN 2009?!

Fuckin' hell, anyways

Listening to "Die for You" by Lil Wayne might have been the most painful experience in my life so far. Being hit in the head with a metal pole was a less painful experience than this, track, and I probably lost way more brain cells listening to this song than to the aforementioned metal pole.

The songs cheesy ass synth intro is capped off with a woman crying, symbolizing that you're supposed to be SAAAADD :( during this song, because Wayne can't write a  song to cause any other emotions other than anger and disgust, so he has to include someone crying to inform the audience that they have to be sad during this song. Fuck you, at least when Lou Reed did write a song titled "Sad Song", it had thirty minutes of one of the most soul wrenching Rock songs ever written preceding it to warrant the song being labelled, well, "Sad". 

So 

The instrumentation is BORING, I repeat, BORING. It's just this chugging verse guitar, uninteresting guitar riff. It's like he tried to make the song sound like "You Wanted a Hit" by LCD Soundsystem, but failed miserably.

It tries desperately to inject anything interesting into the track with the chorus, but it doesn't help that Wayne is screaming "DIE WITHOUT YOOOOOU" and obliterating anything of worth within the vicinity of his voice.

These painful, I repeat, PAINFUL inflections in Wayne's voice. I swear to God that he is either vomiting or having a stroke in some of these verses.

There's this very weird synth solo buried under all the shit chorus that sounds like someone covering the guitar solo from "Aerodynamic" by Daft Punk in Garageband. Because why?

and it just goes on, And On, AND ON, AND ON FOR FIVE MINUTES

until your blood pressure has been permanently raised several points and you have to explain to your family that you might not live passed 65 because you listened to Lil Wayne's foray into Rock music

Fuck this song, fuck this album, and fuck everything.

"I'm So Over You" is a song that exists. It does nothing interesting, it simply exists. Akin to pocket lint, it's just there. Next.

The track "Revolver" is a song that has guest vocals by MADONNA? Why the hell are you on this album?

Christ,  Madonna is now reduced to providing guest vocals on the Deluxe edition of Lil Wayne's Rebirth. How the mighty have fallen, I guess.

This is not a bad song by any means.It's upbeat, catchy, fun and actually a little fun to listen to, which is something that cannot be said for all 12 tracks of Rebirth. 

 Granted,  it is saccharine AS FUCK, but I will take sugary pop over shitty rock any day of the week. 

So, I guess If you like Madonna, I don't see why you would hate this track. There's also Weezy, but he's a non-entity in this song. It would be a highlight, if it were actually on the album!

Finally, (FINALLY!!) there's "Hot Revolver (Extended)" I was hoping that it would be an extended edition of the previous track, but NOPE it would have been too nice to close on a a decent song.

There's a bass intro, which rips off "Whatsername" by Green Day. I-I'm  kind of disappointed in myself recognizing that, but fuck it, I'd rather listen to 21st Century Breakdown on repeat than listen to this album again.

Then there's Wayne sounding like he's orgasming into the microphone, then…

the song is supposed to launch into the verse riff, but it's just stuck in this rut. Oh wait, here's the chorus… suddenly?

The chorus feels like it's been tacked on in a last minute effort to make the song less boring than it already is.

Then there's a rap section all of a sudden, because why the hell not, there's only two minutes left!!

"She likes me too much/that's why I can't be with her" Sure it is Wayne, keep telling yourself that.

Then the song has a few verses, a bridge, and chorus, okay fuck it it's FUCKING OVER!

YES, FUCKING DONE, I CAN FINALLY MOVE ON FROM THIS PIECE OF SHIT!

In conclusion, it is shit, total shit. This is easily the worst album I have ever listened to in my life. It is painful to sit through just a single song, let alone an entire 40 minute LP plus BONUES TRACKS. Lil Wayne's annoying, I repeat, ANNOYING vocal delivery of lyrics that are either lazy insults or laughably inane brags.  The backing band, if you can even call them that, like "I'm So Over You", simply exist. There's nothing creative or interesting in the instrumentation and fail to make a SINGLE memorable riff. Wait, there is one riff I recall from the top of my head, oh wait, they stole it from Green Day, so never mind!

As a rock album it fails. As a rap album it fails. As a rock-rap album it fails. 

It's worthless, absolutely worthless.

AVOID this album, go listen to anything else, ANYTHING, hell go listen to Cut the Crap, at least it has a good song that is actually on the original release! Or better yet go listen Lulu because it is actually an enjoyable, creative, good album!

*Sigh*

Three entrees into this series and I have already found the Worst Album of all Time.

So the absolute worst album is behind me, right?

…

I fear that I will eat those words in the future…

Final Grade:

0/10

F-