Attack Attack! was a metalcore band from Westerville, Ohio formed in 2007. Westerville is a suburb of Columbus, Ohio which is the birth place of longstanding musical game changers such as Phil Ochs… and, umm, huh. Well, both Phil Ochs and Attack Attack! hail from Columbus, Ohio.
Would Attack Attack! be able to pick up the torch of the legendary folk singer, and give voice to the anger and frustration of today's generation, just as Ochs did in the 1960s?
pfff, only if Phil Ochs wrote a song titled "Captain Kangaroo" and it was about Jesus would that comparison make any sense. (More on that later)
I guess, Akron and Cleveland still stand undisputed leaders of anything decent coming out of Ohio, music wise.
The band would go on to release three full length albums that would sell moderately well and receive either extremely negative to mixed receives
To the dismay of the remnants of the once massive Scenekid Empire, Attack Attack disbanded in 2013, after six full years of non-stop Crabcore action.
Similar to the Clash, Lou Reed, and Metallica I have somewhat of a familiarity with Attack Attack.
No, I did not listen to them! Well I did technically listen to them, in the sense of listen to that song. If you were a member of the Online Metal community in the late 2000s you all know about that song. Alongside that brief experience I knew somebody that did listen to a lot of Attack Attack. Back in 9th grade I had my first encounter with the band known as Attack Attack. In my Algebra class there was this terribly annoying kid, let's call him John, who sat next to me in that class for approximately the month he attended my High School.
For some context about who I was in this period, I was a full blown metalhead: long hair, metal shirts, and a bad attitude. I had dived straight into Death Metal, Grindcore, and Thrash Metal without the aid of Metalcore, Deathcore, Corecore or any affiliated genres that many people do listen to prior to intaking "heavier" genres. I, unfortunately, as with many elitist Metalheads looked down on people who listened to Metalcore
To add to my, then, low opinion of John, he seemed to have downed two entire cups of coffee that had three expresso shots, and laced the rim of the cup with cocaine before every class because he would never, even for a second, shut up and try to talk to every one within the vicinity of his voice. Whenever he tried to talk to me, and when he was not asking me to join his band, he tried to get me to listen to Attack Attack his "absolute favoritist band". I asked him why he loved this band so much, "I love their music, their lyrics, everything". I did cave in and listen to that song, which, as did almost everyone else, I found absolutely hilarious.
It was rumored that he was kicked out of school after being caught masturbating in class by a teacher. I would not put it pass this band transforming people into sexual deviants (not in a good way), because this album is almost, ALMOST as bad as Rebirth. I never thought I would encounter an album anywhere near the (lack-of) quality that Rebirth has, but in less than two weeks, I have been proven wrong as I have found an album that does try to stoop that low and almost, ALMOST achieves that level of bankruptcy in the fields of musical talent and creativity of Rebirth.
When I pressed play to "Hot Grills and High Tops" oh sweet Christ, I immediately paused after hearing that Lil Jon impression in the intro back with these horribly produced beats. I actually had to pace around my room, take a breathing lesson, and doubt every single choice I have ever made to create this blog. This track is Attack Attacks! attempt at Crunk which sounds like it was created in a trial version of FL Studio, which, I guess makes it a successful attempt. Keep this in mind that THIS is what Attack Attack! has chosen to introduce themselves. This is what would be people's first impression of Attack Attack: shitty, laughably out date attempt at Crunk, stupid chants that sound like the bro-ier versions of the chants found on DJ Mustard produced songs, and this horrible attempt at screaming in the background, which sounds less emotive and more of him reacting to Hot Topic changing its inventory from catering to limited Scene and mainstream Goth kids to catering to a broader Nerd subculture. Well, that would be their first impression if Metalcore fans had the attention span to sit through an entire album.
Turns out this track was a leads into "Stick Stickly" whi-
Oh-ha-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
HAHAHA-Oh my God, what the FUCK is this?!
In case you have not watched the music video, please watch it, ALL OF IT, because it's the perfect snapshot of how truly awful and brilliant this album is.
The video also reveals that Attack Attack! is the first band to be made up entirely by clones.
Progressive?
Enough about the music video that we all know and love, where to begin with this mishmash of Metalcore, Post-Hardcore, Eurodance, and Christian Rock.
Christian Rock, you say?! Oh yes Attack Attack is a undercover Christian Rock group. Don't believe me?
"We live for what He's worth/and that's more than you'll ever know/He died for what He loved/and what He loved was You"
and
"This is the time to let yourself go/ Lord, pick me off the ground/ You never said this would be simple/ So pull me in and turn around"
While I do not have a problem with a Christian or any religious person expressing their beliefs through music, after all the reason why you listen to music is, primarily, for the music, not the lyrics. However, there seems to be an anomaly that all faith based rock groups make horrible, horrible music. Attack Attack! would be another one of these groups if they did not make a very unique type of horrible, horrible music.
As a final note, for the song title… is the band down to using semi-obscure Nickelodeon characters as song titles now. You're only two songs in, how the fuck are you running out of song titles already?Now let's dive in head first into this horrible, horrible music.
"High Tops" fades into this track, which starts off with the, breakdown? Um, guys, you're a Metalcore band you're supposed to either start off a song with either boring, clean verse or steal a riff from At the Gates. You really need to reread Metalcore 101 aka How To Stop Worrying and Fail in writing both Hardcore Punk and Heavy Metal songs.
Furthermore, this breakdown is weak as hell. It makes the breakdown in Asking Alexandria's "American Average" sound like Suffocation.
Then the band gives up on that breakdown and starts playing a Metalalized version of 1990s Europop, because 1990s Europop is totes Metal yo? The lead vocals are autotuned The background singer attempts screaming, but it ends up sounding like the duet between Owl City and a really drunk Jim Ward that you never wanted to hear.
After that horrid attempt at Pop for approximately thirty seconds, the band returns to playing a slightly modified version of that introductory breakdown for 15 seconds before returning to that Owl City/At The Drive-in collaboration and BACK to the shitty breakdown after 30 seconds of the duet. I swear to Christ, this album is off of its ritalin a 100% of the time.
Then the song comes to the conclusion that you all expected from the very first note
…
A FUCKIN TECHNO RAVE SONG!!
Yeah, Attack Attack! forgets that they are a Metalcore for the duration of this song and they live out their dreams as European Techno Crab people. Because Eurodance and Metal transition so well together just like peanut butter & jelly. It's more like eating a burnt pineapple pizza then proceeding to scarf down an entire bag of sugar than has been sitting in a cabinet for the past several years..
It would make as much sense if NWA spliced "Something 2 Dance 2", the Soul Sonic Force soundalike track right in the middle of "Gangsta, Gangsta", the hard hitting gangsta rap track.
This song sounds like a complete mistake. Okay, maybe this entire band is a mistake, but in all seriousness this track sounds like the result of a horrible mistake in the studio. As in the producer played a horrible joke on the band by inserting a Eurodance song that he had produced right in the middle of Attack Attack's BR00TAL \m/ HEAVY AS FVK LEAD SINGLE!!!1!
But instead of firing the producer the band took one listen and said "brilliant, let's do this."
and once you heard "Stick Stickly", you have pretty much heard this entire album.
Seriously.
"Bro, Ashley's Here", "Shred, White, & Blue", "The Catfish Soup", and "The People's Elbow" I swore to God I thought something had gone wrong with iTunes because these songs sound exactly alike. However, "Bro, Ashley's Here" manages to be the worst of the bunch. It's nowhere near as stupid, the riff sounds lazier and lacks the pathetic punch that "Stick Stickly had, and the breakdown is a failed attempt to get Scene kids to 2-step in the mosh pit, and the last minute or so devolves into pointless noise and screaming.
Seriously.
That one minute is what I imagine Death Metal sounds like to people who do not like Death Metal.
"Party Foul" attempts to spice things up by having godawful and annoying screaming over the Eurodance instead of the horrible autotune vocals, and has an electronic breakdown with an annoying buzzing synth line. There is a second breakdown, if you can call it that. I would best describe that breakdown as sounding like the band is being forced to play barefoot on legos while the sound engineers are pelting the band members with various fruits.
Needless to say this song is completely awful.
"Interlude" could be easily replaced with this:
and it would be infinitely better.
"What Happens If I Can't Check MySp-
No, I am not typing all of that out. I have enough self-respect for my self and my readers to not type that song title for the sake of a possible brain hemorrhage occurring and possible legal repercussions as a result
Sure "Hot Grills and High Tops" is one of the worst things I have ever forced my brain to read and comprehend, and I have read My Little Pony urine erotica for my other blog, but AT LEAST it's a title unlike this crap! Seriously, MySpace references!? Sure those will never become outdated! My Space will always be here HAHA! Just like T-Mobile Sidekicks and mismatched highlighter yellow and brain tissue pink colored clothing will be popular forever, HAhahaha-ha-haaa.
ANYWAYS
what makes this song unique other than that organ failure of a song title is that it contains an actual metal riff. Yes, the only positive thing I have to say about this metal album is that it contains a metal riff. The first and only metal riff in a 30 minute album. That alone should give you the quality of this "METAL" album.
Sure it is a complete rip off of "Spirit Crusher" by Death, that is if At the Gates recorded that riff and watered it down in the process, then Avenged Sevenfold copied it, dumbed it down, then tossed it because it had a shred of decency, then finally Attack Attack! digs it out of the garbage and records that riff for its grand debut.
Oh and by the way, that Metal riff last for 20 seconds before it devolves into that stupid Eurodance Metalcore abomination found in "Stick Stickly". That 20 seconds of riff is the only thing worthwhile on this entire album. No not, worthwhile actually "worth your time", no, more like "not completely wasting your time."
"Kickin' Wing" tries to kick the Metal party into high gear, with more bro-ey vocal stylings and exchanging the Eurodance break with some bizarre pop metal vocals for the chorus.
No thanks I'd rather listen to some Municipal Waste at least they sound like they're having a blast while making stupid, catchy, and above all FUN Metal songs. You know good party songs are supposed to sound like the people making the songs are at least having fun.
If Municipal Waste is the party that continues into the next day and you can't remember if you really did leave all of those pineapples on your neighbors front yard, then Attack Attack! is the party that ends before 9 o'clock because the hosts are worried they will be late for school the next day.
"Outro" is a pointless piano piece that makes sure that your time with Attack Attack is thoroughly wasted.
Overall, this album had approximately 20 seconds of decent content which is 20 seconds more than I can say Rebirth. I honestly do not think I can find anything worse than that album, yet this is still way below Cut the Craps grand total of three minutes of mediocrity. Then again while it is an awful album it is not as offensively bad as Rebirth. "Stick Stickly" and its music video manage to be laughably bad and can be listened to and enjoyed as a joke, a musical equivalent to Plan 9 From Outerspace or the Room you could say. However, the rest is just BORING. It's like a joke that a friend told you that was pretty funny, but then the friend proceeds to repeat it with diminishing results. Needless to say with Attack Attack! disbanded, I can at least feel more at ease with the state of the world.
War, famine, natural disasters, hey they might all be happening but at least there will never be another Attack Attack! album to pollute peoples eara.
20 seconds worth of content in a 33 minute album?
Seriously.
Final Grade:
1/10
F
